For the first time in my life, the relationship I have with myself is the most important one to me. I want the energy I keep and emit to emphasizes me, not destroy me. ‘Take me as I am or watch me go.’
After my last relationship I knew I had to make a change in the way I thought about relationships and dating. After only 4 months a man broke my heart like I never imagined could happen before. I had been in relationships ten times longer than that, lived with ex-boyfriends, and gone through several breakups. However, nothing compared to the pain and feeling of loss I felt after him.
Looking back on the heartbreak I think it has something to do with my chameleon type personality- meaning I take on traits of the people I spend the most time with( especially a boyfriend). Normally, I keep all of my feelings other than the happy-go-lucky ones inside. But him, he wore his heart on his shoulder and in 4 months had me doing the same.
He knew me better than anyone… the good, the bad, the hidden, and the especially ugly. I had never given myself up like that and in a flash, it was over. He took all of my built up darkness, dropped it in my lap, and left it there. However, the problem wasn’t him. It was me allowing myself to become like him- because I didn’t know who I was on my own.
I’ve since realized the reason I would cling to guys and became a chameleon is because I was always looking for a definition. I didn’t know how to define myself alone so I consistently turned to relationships to do it for me. I was always the girl that, as the movie How to be Single puts it best, would let “Dicksand” get the best of me. You know, when a guy looks at you one time in the right way and suddenly you’re trapped into their dick-spell that’s something sort of quicksand-ish and you completely forget who you are.
Becoming single (and forcing myself to stay single until I figure my sh*t out) has been the most valuable decision I have ever made. The 10 years I spent bouncing between boyfriends hasn’t taught me anything compared to the last 5 months I’ve spent alone.
I’m done giving away my love and passion in pieces. I know that someday, I’ll run into something spectacular. Right now, I refuse to settle for anything less ❤